Have you seen those little Queen dolls that wave graciously when the sun hits their handbag? (More recently they are guilty of egregious over-dressing, wearing a tiara with a day dress.) I received a discreet one as a Christmas present a few years ago from my American granddaughters, and enjoyed it until its hand got tired. But I've been thinking ever since about the Queen's handbag. It has been ubiquitous, part of her elegant wardrobe, always matching her ensemble, always with a handle, and people have bee making oles about it and its possible contents. I've been thinking about that, too. NO - WHITE OR BLACK, I FIND, AND SHE OWNS OVER 300 OF THEM, SOFT LEATHER, LINED IN SUEDE WITH COMPARTMENTS FOR EASY SELECTION OF HER NEEDS.

For one thing, I'm sure it doesn't contain money. I've read that no member of the arisrtocracy ever carries money, especially not women, especially not the Queen. ( I wonder if she ever learned how to make change.) Of course she will carry a handkerchief and that led me to other speculations: who made the handkerchief? Google is invaluable. I found a whole list of Royal Warrants, granted to companies who supply the royal family, specifically, the Queen, HRH Prince of Wales, and the Duke of Edinborough. Didn't see any special warrants for Prince William or the Duchess of Cambridge. ( Does she even carry a handbag?) I was actually looking for Yardley's because i'm sure the handkerchief is scented with lavender but I came across a whole bunch of champagne makers: Bollinger, Mumm, Roederer, Veuve Cliquot and I was beguiled with her good taste. The Prince of Wales favours Laphroaig. They all like Twinings tea.

THIS MORNING I READ THAT THE QUEEN HAS FOUR COCKTAILS A DAY, STARTING WITH DUBONNET AND GIN AT LUNCH AND ENDING WITH CHAMPAGNE AT BEDTIME. WHY NOT?

Anyway, what else might she have in her handbag? Certainly not keys, house or car, though we know she can drive (Remember her job during the war and if you weren't around then, surely you saw the Helen Mirren movie, The Queen.) But on official occasions she has no need of car keys and all doors are opened for her.

So, also - no driver's license,t hough again I'm sure she has one. And no I.D. - I mean, everyone knows her.

How about mace? Who would dare lay hands on her? Our Governor-General touched her elbow recently to help her on some steps and received wide public criticism for taking such a liberty. Still, with the weird turns life is taking these days, it might be reassuring to have a little canister of mace handy in case anyone attempts a kidnapping .

I WAS CUT OFF HERE WHEN MY BATTERY DIED, SO IT'S TOMORROW NOW. I DID SOME MORE CHECKING. SHE NEEDS GLASSES AND ALSO IF SHE'S AT THE RACES OR ON A SIGHTSEEING TOUR, BINOCULARS. IT BEGINS TO BE HEAVY.

SHE WEARS IT ON HER LEFT SIDE AND HAS A SECRET CODE FOR HER AIDES. DEPENDING ON WHERE SHE PLACES HER BAG, THEY KNOW IT'S TIME TO LEAVE OR SHE WANTS TO TALK SOME MORE OR GET ME OUT OF HERE!

YOU DON'T NEED ME TO TELL YOU. JUST LOOK IT UP.

You who are so young , do you remember Stephen Leacock (1866-1944)? At one time he was the most famous humorist in the world, still honoured in our country with a Stephen Leacock medal/award for humour every year. I think of him often when I get upset and go off "in all directions at once". But I think of him most often when I do my banking and try to make sense of my financial situation. Do you remember his essay "My Banking Career"? It wouldn't be funny today

If I remember clearly, he begins by confessing that banks have always made him nervous, and then he proceeds to describe his first and only venture into the world of finance. He opened a bank account. He was so apprehensive and so impressed with himself that he asked to speak to the manager who had trouble controlling his amusement when the fledgling tycoon said that he wanted to open an account - with a ten dollar deposit. All very nerve-making, being handed over to a teller with badly concealed amusement, not to say scorn.

When his account is duly registered, he wants to make a withdrawal but he makes a mistake. He writes a cheque for ten dollars. All of it? All of it, he says, too embarrassed to admit he meant to withdraw one dollar. He tries to pretend he has been insulted and wishes to withdraw his entire deposit and his business from the institution. He takes his money and exits, to the sound of laughter. He wouldn't escape with mere laughter today. He would have less money than when he started. It's about the fees.

In the first place, he'd need a larger base figure to open the account, and there'd be a fee. Then he'd be charged for a cheque, even one, more with a quiver. Another charge would be levied for closing the account . He would exit the bank not only with derision, but with less money.