And neither am I.

I don’t think I ever was.

Was what?

What am I talking about?

If you don’t know, why are you here?

Why am I?

Okay, that’s enough. Now that I’ve alienated everyone, tell me, does anyone, if anyone’s left, remember Gattaca? A 1997 film , it’s about “A genetically inferior man [who] assumes the identity of a superior one in order to pursue his lifelong dream of space travel,” starring Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman. You would know it’s old, anyway, if you knew that Jude Law played a supporting role, not even worth a nomination. He plays a superior, an astronaut, alive but so badly damaged that he cannot do his job . He is retired and frustrated and Hawke’s character, an inferior, pays him for his epithelial cells which he uses every day as a disguise that allows him to work on a space project. That’s enough plot for you. My point is what happens when Hawke’s superior brother shows up to challenge his llfe-long pursuit. They swim in a private contest for two to see who is the superior. Hawke wins and explains why. (I can’t quote directly. This is from memory. I can’t watch the film again.)

The brother swims as far as he can, leaving enough strength to be able to return alive. Hawke’s character swims until he has reached the end of his strength, power, ability, whatever—but not his will. He wins the race on will power. That’s what I remember, because

I have always relied on my will to carry me through. I always said my will was stronger than my flesh, and it was, until now.

I’m not going to complete Christmas. I have no will power. I have no reserves left.

I will send out my generic Christmas card as long as I can, but I will put it in a blog, too, in case I/you miss it.

Anon?