don't

Long ago, when I was sampling all kinds of diets trying to find one that worked for life, I found a DEA code:

DON’T EAT ANYTHING MADE OF FLOUR

DON’T EAT ANYTHING STANDING UP

(This one has a positive corollary: ALWAYS DRESS STANDING UP)

Since then Michael Pollan has added some negative imperatives:

DON’T EAT ANYTHING YOUR GRANDMOTHER WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE AS FOOD

or/and:

DON’T EAT ANYTHING YOU CAN’T SPELL (all those chemica!s!)

Come right down to it, they’re all funny. I did a whole riff on DEASU. See, it’s hard not to eat when you’re cooking, i.e. standing in the kitchen and tasting while you work—cf. “It’s a poor cook who can’t lick his own fingers.” (Shakespeare, from Romeo and Juliet); and Weight Watchers’ 2-point count for BLT (not the sandwich but a code for BITES, LICKS AND TASTES). But consider also what the DEASU rule does to your social life. It demands a serious choice. Either you eat at parties, sitting down and scarfing all the goodies silently and therefore miss talking to the other guests who are all standing, or you obey the rule and don’t eat standing up, missing all the nice sushi and miniature lamb chops, and chocolate truffles.

Life is fraught with decisions.

I was telling a friend about these directives, including the one about standing up while dressing and she said that is a no-no for people with osteoporosis. You’re supposed to sit down while you dress. I don’t but I must admit I lean on a wall when I’m putting on pantihose. Like my contemporaries, however, I wear pants more than dresses now so the problem doesn’t arise.

Neither do I.