My husband would have been 90 years old today, but he would never have been 90 years old. He died at the age of 45, a premature death, but the men in his family were not notably long-lived. I'm counting on the Viking side of my family to give my sons longer lives. So far they've passed 45.

Over the years of my survival I have learned a lot about grief and negotiation with the past, also the present and the future. I learned the hard way how to adapt all those catchy, current phrases and ideas that keep bobbing up as if someone had just thought of them, like "cherish the moments', "live in the present"," be mindful", not to mention worn-out lines like "find out who your friends are", " lower your expectations" and "count your blessings". One is in danger of sounding cynical if one leans (in?) on these too much. How much is too much?

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Milestones keep on happening - like every year. I'm being celebrated by my older son and daughter -in-law at a Japanese brunch. He was only 14 when his father died. Of course, he is a father now, not yet a grandfather. (The next generation is taking its time.) I am going to celebrate his father's birthday by writing a memoir about the man he scarcely had time to know.

So that's all for today. The rest is private.